Monday, December 12, 2011

Christmas Carols for Romance Writers

The Twelve Days of Editing
(Sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)
(Note—“CP” refers to Critique Partner)

On the first day of editing my CP said to me, “Your first draft’s great and this will be easy.”
On the second day of editing my CP said to me, “Watch your POVs, but your first draft’s great and this will be easy.” 
On the third day of editing my CP said to me, “Spice up the romance, Watch your POVs, but your first draft’s great and this will be easy.”
On the fourth day of editing my CP said to me, “You need more emotion, Spice up the romance, Watch your POVs, but your first draft’s great and this will be easy.”
On the fifth day of editing my CP said to me, “Your Middle Sags!  You need more emotion, Spice up the romance, Watch your POVs, but your first draft’s great and this will be easy.”
(Skip to final verse and pause while the organ music crescendos…)
On the twelfth day of editing my CP said to me, “The conflict is weak, Characters are flat, Cut 10,000 words, Dialogue is choppy, Brush up on your grammar, Scenes must advance the story, Appeal to all five senses, Your Middle Sags!  You need more emotion, Spice up the romance, Watch your POVs, but your first draft’s great and this will be easy.”

Write a Query
(Sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Hook the agent with one great line
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
Take a moment to explain the plot line
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
Be sure to mention all the passion
          Oh la la, oh la la, la la la!
Close it down in word-count fashion
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

The next paragraph is all about you
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
What you’ve written and what you hope to do
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
Now’s the chance to toot your own horn
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
And if you’ve got one, explain your platform
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

One more paragraph to close the letter
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
It’s okay to schmoose a bit here
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
Say, “I look forward to hearing back soon”
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
(Then cross your finger’s you hear before next June!)
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

Oh Come, All Ye Critiquers
(Sung to the tune of Oh Come, All Ye Faithful)

Oh come, all ye critiquers
Come with your red pens.
Come and be critical of my romance novel.

Come and disparage,
All that I have written.
Oh come and please be honest.
Oh come and please be gentle.
Oh come and make this stronger, my literary child.


We Wish You much Happy Writing
(Sung to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas)

We wish you much happy writing
We wish you much happy writing.
We wish you much happy writing.
And success through next year!

Glad tidings we bring,
To you ad your heroine.
Glad tidings of happy writing
And success through next year. 

4 comments:

Paul Tobin said...

Very funny, like your light touch.

Paul Tobin said...

Very funny, like your light touch.

Beate Boeker said...

Hilarious, Jayne! Thank you for posting!

Sarah Richmond said...

Made me laugh.