Tuesday, May 29, 2012

THE CASE OF THE CONTRARY CAT


Wednesday is the day we usually post an author interview. However, because Carolyn Brown has already been interviewed several times, we asked her to just write something for us. Besides, let's be honest, none of us can come up with questions that are as much fun as Carolyn unfettered. So ... here's Carolyn:

by Carolyn Brown

My hero needed a soft touch so I gave him a cat. I love my cat who is my writing buddy. His name is Chester and he only has sight in one eye and a limp because his hip was broken as a kitten. So Hero was going to get a nice little gray cat with a sweet disposition. Right up until the day that Chester started ailing.

He looked up with the most forlorn expression begging, just simply begging for help. A quick run to the vet’s office and back home with a bunch of pills, and the little darling was still lifeless.

He’d be all better as soon as I did what the instructions said. He’d hop right up and play with the catnip mouse and be forever indebted to me for saving his life. He might even come when I yell, “Kitty, kitty,” instead of pretending to be deaf. All those crazy people who made the comment about folks owning dogs and feeding cats would be eating their words.

The instructions on the pill box said to pick up the cat, cradling it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Nothing to giving the cat a simple little pill. Anyone could do that standing on their head and cross-eyed. I picked up the lifeless cat and did just what they said.

It did not work.

The following instructions were NOT written on the box.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call Husband from his work shop.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees while holding its front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Remember this is a common house pet not a hungry lion. Get Husband to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get Husband to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans.

Drink two glasses of milk for an antidote and a liter of Dr. Pepper to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another Dr. Pepper ... just in case.

Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink Dr. Pepper. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloody and tattered tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring the fire department to retrieve the miserable cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little devil’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get Husband to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

I put Chester out in the yard and told him he was in a live or die situation which meant it was his choice and even a limp would NOT get him an ounce of sympathy. I told him that if he died I'd go to the shelter and get a dog because the directions on the box say that for a dog you wrap the pill in bacon and he'll eat it right up!

The next day Chester was chasing butterflies and stalking birds. I think I made a believer out of him!

And now back to work on my next book.

My hero has a Chihuahua! 

There! Aren't you glad we gave Carolybn free rein?

21 comments:

Carolyn Brown said...

Hello everyone! It's raining in Oklahoma today and Chester is alternately hiding under the bed (when it thunders) or else sleeping on the coffee table (when he convinces the thunder he's mean).

Beate Boeker said...

Great story, Carolyn! And the picture is incredible. Thank you for making me laugh!

Carolyn Brown said...

Beate,
Only slightly exaggerated! LOL!
Glad you got a giggle out of it.

Jeannie said...

LOL Loved the story......

Carolyn Brown said...

Jeannie,
Thanks for stopping by today. Glad you liked it. It's funny after the fact but I would never trade in my writing hat for a veterinarians!

Sandy Cody said...

Chester would have no trouble convincing me that he's mean. Carolyn, you obviously know cats.

Carolyn Brown said...

Sandy, Chester is a lot like me...90 percent bluff and 10 percent mean. But he does have his bluff in on those butterflies out in the back yard and they can tell the thunder just how vicious he can be.

Gina/Katherine said...

Been there, have the scars to prove it.Thanks for the giggles I had to share with my husband and son, who laughed right along with me!

Tracey Devlyn said...

OMG, Carolyn! My husband had to pick me up off the floor after reading that rundown. Too funny!!!

Cynthia D'Alba said...

Holy Hannah! I laughed so hard reading this...only because I've owned cats AND had to treat them for illnesses and yes, what you describe is fairly accurate! Hardly any exaggeration at all!

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

Oh Mama ~ this is too funny! And I know this to be true cuz I've been there and done it too. :0) Here's the thing... it has to be the cat's idea. There aint a chance unless that first rule is followed. LOL

Carolyn Brown said...

Gina, then you can vouch for me that I wasn't exaggerating too awful much!

Judi Fennell said...

OMG, Carolyn. I so love you!

Ashlyn Chase said...

Oh, Carolyn!

I empathize. We're owned by a cat too. If dog's have owner's, and cat's have staff, I'm the doorman, cook, maid and masseuse!

Carolyn Brown said...

Tracey,
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Chester remembers it slightly different!

Carolyn Hughey said...

LOL You are a hoot, lady. You're so full of wonderful stories and so willing to share them with us.

I've done the pill thing too, but with dogs. For some reason, cats just don't like me.

Thanks for sharing

Carolyn Brown said...

Cynthia,
Since I tossed him out in the yard in the "live or die" situation, he hasn't even coughed up a hairball!

Carolyn Brown said...

Anonymous,
You can't hide from your Mama, Ginny Rucker. This is my daughter, folks and she has five big old cats! And they are all spoiled rotten!

Carolyn Brown said...

Judi,
Chester didn't even laugh one time. He just don't have much of a sense of humor.

Carolyn Brown said...

Ashlyn,
You got it, darlin'. The cats own us and we're crazy if we think it's the other way around.

Carolyn Brown said...

Carolyn,
Dogs are easy...put it in bacon and they'll scarf it right down! LOL Glad to share my "zoo" stories. When you live in my world, it's all zoo!