Valentine's Day Hints (for 2013)

by Carolyn Brown
I was standing in the check out counter at the grocery store when I saw a magazine sporting a headline, The Worst Presents for Valentines. I tossed the magazine in the cart and hurried home to figure out what not to buy Husband for Valentine’s Day.

Ooops!

Valentine’s Day was last week! How did that happen? Guess I was pretty deep in those rewrites and revisions. Well, just so I wouldn’t make the same mistake two years in a row I went ahead and opened the month old magazine that I’d just paid full price for to find out exactly what a woman did purchase for her husband on Valentine’s Day, 2013?

To make things easier, the article had a website with survey. The first picture was a cupid with a hang-dog expression that let me know I’d disappointed him terribly. I promised it wouldn’t happen again the next year and clicked his cute little arrow to go on to the next question.

Answer the questions. Push the button and a wonderful list of presents suitable for the spouse, significant other or fiancé would appear in ten seconds.

I was impressed. I could find out if I was mushy to the core or barely sentimental by answering a few questions, and at the same time figure out whether to purchase candy, balloons or an electric drill for Husband’s Valentine’s present. The Love Test would reveal my inner romantic self and by doing that would tell me what to purchase for Husband since he was my soul mate.

Question number one: Do you take bubble baths with your significant other/spouse/fiancé? There was a place to mark yes or no or sometimes and then a block to write an explanation if none of the above fit. I opted for the block. It sounds romantic but sounds are deceiving. Have you ever tried to fit two grown, mid-life bodies into a bathtub of bubbles? Common logic tells you it won’t work. Slick bubbles and arthritis can not abide together in harmony. Cupid pinned a note to my computer screen that said: The drill is looking good.

Two: Worn “his” and “hers” matching outfits? No, Husband never has had a hankering to wear panty hose or flowing gypsy skirts. I’ve never been real partial to paisley neck ties or anything that has belt loops attached to it. So there isn’t any way we could possibly wear matching outfits.

Three: Called when you were going to be late getting home and left him a message on his answering machine that said, “I miss you. I love you.” One time I called to tell him I was going to be late. They had this big shoe sale going and I couldn’t possibly leave until I’d tried on everything in my size. I don’t think I told him I missed him or that I loved him, but I did tell him to thaw out another package of wieners and there was a can of chili in the pantry. That must have meant “I love you” since I didn’t let him starve.

Four: Made him breakfast in bed? Yes! I was so excited I could have jumped up and down that I could finally answer one of the questions with a yes. Then it asked to describe the breakfast. Well, he had the flu and hadn’t been able to keep a thing down for a couple of days. He looked like warmed over sin on Sunday morning and I felt so sorry for him I took his nausea pills to him on a little silver tray. That way he didn’t have to stagger to the kitchen and moan and groan and turn that funny shade of green around his mouth while he waited on the pills to get into his system.

Five: Kept an item of his clothing to remind you of his smell? You’ve got to be kidding. That’s why they make detergent and fabric softener. After a day of yard work or building a book case out in the shop, cuddling up with his sweaty tee shirt would not bring on any romantic thoughts. It might send me to the kitchen for a handful of those nausea pills he took when he had the flu. Another note appeared at the end of Cupid's arrow that said, Lady, how do you write romance books?

Six: Have you ever taken silly pictures together in a photo booth? That’s even smaller than the bathtub and there’s not even any slick bubbles to grease the inside to get us both in there. Besides once we were inside, how would we possibly get out without needing a chiropractor the next day? I agree on one issue. The pictures would definitely be silly.

Seven: Have you ever talked baby talk to him? No! Again I got all excited that I could leave the comment box blank. Then it asked me to explain why I’d answered yes or no. Well, it’s kinda like this. He’s Yankee and I’m Rebel. We have enough of a language barrier on a common day without confusing the issue with baby talk. I wouldn’t know if he was complimenting me or slinging insults if he talked baby talk in pure Yankee. And if I talked like that in Rebel, he’d schedule me for a CAT scan to see if both my brain cells were in working order. Cupid's final note said: Are you sure you don't want to go back and change some of these answers? You've got thirty seconds!

Finished. I pushed the button and waited. And waited. And waited. Began to think I’d crashed the computer. Finally it bleeped a couple of times and the following came up.

On a scale of one to ten, one being barely sentimental and ten being the mushy to the core, you have just rated a minus fifteen. Buy the electric drill. While you’re at it purchase some Shine-In-A-Jar at your local Wal-Mart store to polish his golden halo.

So tell me, what exciting thing did you do last week for Sweetheart’s Day? Did you buy candy or an electric drill?